I think I am, semi-consciously, suffering from postnatal depression.
I felt the stress on the first night with Baby S. It was a difficult night for both of us. Not only that I had to BF him almost the whole night (which I never knew I need to do so), we had to face the war of 'tarmac' (which is again another surprise for both of us, unprepared first timer parents)
The first night was still not that bad since Kent was allowed to stay with me in the hospital. Though tired and sleepy, I was still very positive on everything.
The next day when Baby S was suspected with jaundice, I was still calm and took things real easy. Well, most babies will have jaundice. It's a pretty normal thing. I even thought that it might be a blessing is disguise because I get to sleep through the night as Baby S will be sent to NICU for photo treatment.
Just as I thought everything is all under control, I started to felt uneasy when Baby S have to stay longer in NICU as his reading wasn't stable. I kinda start to felt annoyed with Kent for being over prepared and bringing a lot of stuffs to the hospital. Well, he brought the steriliser with all the bottles for me to express BM to feed Baby S. Thinking back, he's just being very supportive and do not mind to take all the trouble to carry those stuffs for us. However, at that moment, I just couldn't help it but to show a little fuss and impatient because I was worried that he had to carry so many things back later and it will be a mess.
Oh...and that, was just the 'entree'.
The 'Main Course' (I dunno how many course meal yet since I am still feeling depress) was served when too many people gives me opinion on how to deal with Baby S jaundice.
He was discharged from NICU on the condition that his jaundice level being monitored weekly. I was being assigned the most sacred task of feeding him constantly and ensuring that he poo poo enough.
Well, i do think that I did great job when his reading has gone down, though only a little. Things started to get difficult when visitors commented that he is still yellowish, though I think he's progressing well. Some suggested that I should bring him under the sun in the morning when doctors says not to do so. Some suggested that we should still get Baby S monitored though the specialist said he's good and do not need monitoring. Arghh.....so many comments so many conflicting advises. What else do you want me to do when I am already feeling so uncomfortable?
I was living..no I wasn't sure if I am actually living for the first week in the confinement. The moment the Confinement Lady step into my life, I was living like a routine robot. Overly organised lifestyle with constant feeding. I totally lost myself. I do not know what am I doing? The time when I 'awake' was when I watch TV for a short moment with Kent. For a split second I suddenly awaken from my 'sleep walk'
All babies need to be fed every 2-3 hours which I was totally unprepared for. The night feeding was the worst because it felt like I never sleep at all. In fact I really wasn't sleeping because I was waiting for the CL to knock on the door to bring me my baby and also ensure that Baby S did not passed the 2-3 hours feeding. At one point I was so traumatised of the door knocking sound because that means feeding time. I was so stressed that I jump up from my sleep looking for my baby in my arms. OMG, did I just dozed off while feeding him and dropped him on the floor or maybe squashed by me??
When Baby S went through the 'growth spurt' and keep BF on me, I got so distress because I was in pain. I rejected him for sticking to me all the times and felt super bad about it later. What kind of mother am I who rejects her own baby? The baby needs me but I pushed him away???
I cried so badly and Baby S didn't feed on time that night. Felt super guilty.
The first day when we started to take care of Baby S without CL seems fun (Finally she's gone!).
Kent bath Baby S for the first time cos I was not confident enough to do it. We spent hours trying to put him to sleep. I learnt to change Baby S nappies for a long time to ensure that poops and pees don't flow out of the diapers.
The night feeding was challenging because that's officially the third night we spend together with Baby S. I do not know when exactly he is asking for milk because he seems very restless all night and was making a lot of sounds. He didn't cry though, so I wasn't sure if I need to wake him up for feeding. One thing for sure, I know I do not need to set alarm to be exactly 2 hrs apart (eg: 2.43am.... 😅). It was another sleepless night.
Taking care of Baby S in the morning is getting more difficult when he's being more alert of his surrounding. It's very difficult to get him to sleep in the daytime and he needs to be cuddle most of the time. He will cry after being left alone for 10mins and I can't do anything else. Even to poo poo.
I was so afraid of Baby S crying because I hated negative comments from others especially when they started to compare with other babies.
'What does he wants?' : If I really know then he wouldn't be crying isn't?
'What do you want?' :Iif he knows how to talk then he wouldn't be crying isn't?
'Cannot be so naughty geh' : If babies crying is naughty then what is a toddler nuisance?
'He cries so loud. Can even hear from my room' : Sorry, if I got a choice, I would get a space for us and I will have one less thing to worry which is bothering the others.
'No need to carry la...' : Agree but then he will be crying.
'So fierce' : That's because of all the above.
'Why always looks so cool' : Hello, he's less than 5 weeks old. Do you expect him to talk to you?
I guess sometimes it's even more frustrating when Baby S finally wants to fall asleep and someone somewhere came and ask this kind of question 'Are you sleeping?', Baby S woke up and started to cry (again). What the, do he look like he's bathing or something?
I tried my best to keep him calm and indirectly I am straining not only my body but also my emotions.
I couldn't stop others from commenting but we will only give him positive comments. At least that's the best we could do.
Maybe that's what all mothers do. Protecting their baby. Or sometimes, overprotecting?
I was super worried of Baby S and will even check on him real often to ensure that he's breathing!!!
I kept commenting on the way Kent handles Baby S though he's very confident that Baby S is safe in his hand. I knew Kent hated my over-protectiveness but I just couldn't accept the way he holds Baby S
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| The men of Brosche's life |
I am emotionally out of controlled most of the times when dealing with Kent. Maybe I wanted more attention and care from him?
I cried because Kent did not care to bring me some food during dinner time and I was left alone with Baby S. My dinner that night was at 10pm! The worst part is that I need to feed Baby S with starving stomach and almost caught gastric.
I got easily irritated by whatever Kent said or do. Even the tiniest gestures breaks the tension string of mine.
This is not who I want to be. I want to be a good mom..just good enough to handle my baby and good enough to take care of myself. I want to be the one who is in control of my own emotion and not easily affected by others. I want to be a wife who is able to give her husband a good rest after work and not coming home to a chaotic crying scene.
Maybe I was just being too harsh on myself? Maybe all I needed was just some space. Some breathing space. Some space to be my own again.
I wish to enjoy every moment of my growing son rather than living in stress and missing all the great times together. I only wanted to feed him with happy milk and not crying milk anymore so that he's always happy.
Someday when I come back with a new post, that will be the day that I truly enjoy being a mom.
