I-AM-LOST

This post was written somewhere in the early of 2019 when I was feeling really lost in life. Now that it is 2020 and I am more than happy to say that I had conquer or thrash most if not all of it. At least I had taken action rather than just sitting there whining.

Here it goes...

I-AM-LOST

So, the mid 30 crisis is true.

The feeling of loss is so strong that i don’t know where I should start talking about.

Career

I had been in the same industry for some 12 glorious years and now I am sitting here wondering if I am in the correct path? Is this what I want? Where is this going to lead me to? What do I get at the end of my career life?

I probably won’t go any further if I continue sitting here doing my 9-6 job without even checking what the outside can offer. I would probably just work till I die because I may as well caught up in the Rat-Race that I finally understand. If I work hard/smart enough and be part of the higher management, then perhaps I can work with more glamour but still, at the end of my career, I am left with nothing. Okay, maybe some cash if I had save enough but what if I stupidly get myself into rat-race then perhaps i really have to work till I die. In the end, position in the company is just a position and money is still what I needed to survive.

I do not find much satisfaction from work. At times I can be very contented with everything the company is able to provides me. Thing turn around when I felt that no one really appreciates what I had done or worst still being challenged on my compatibility. I really felt that I should just leave and let them do my monkey job.

I find myself easily agitated and also being over-protective of my work. I deserve some respect for my work. There are times when I find myself crying over work matter. I find myself felling bad over the weekend and couldn’t focus on work because I was so sad and depressed over what other people feedback about me because it was not true. I am emotionally drained.

Despite all these complications, deep down inside I knew I can’t be a fulltime housewife. Staying home with kids and doing house chores is just not me. I still prefer to work only if I only I can work for leisure and not money. (which is way too impossible because i cant survive without my job. Stupid rat-race)

Yes, perhaps I should start looking for alternative job that goes parallel with my 9-6 job. I have the deepest self-scrutiny in my life for an hour trying really hard to list down what else I can do or what other skills I possess. I always thought that I am somebody but when I realised that i really have NOTHING special to shout about, my self-doubt is so great that I want to hide myself away. I can’t do music not even remembering song names or artist names. My art and baking skills are for leisure and barely go anywhere. I am not an outspoken person hence I don’t think sales is a good option though. I am bad at memorizing people name and faces which is a big big minus point. 

Everything seems so negative.

I enrolled myself right-away into cake decorating workshop that I dreaded to try. If I want to find out what else I can do, I need to start doing it first. I met new people, learn some new skills and widen my view on what I can /cannot do.

I pick up calligraphy earlier this year (self-thought) as part of my new year resolution. Is more for leisure again and all I could say that it really helps in releasing some stress.

If I were to pick up just one skill that I am really good at is soap making. Yes, i had been making soap for self use for more than 2 years now. Had always thought it would be easy to start a small business until I realised that I am lack of self-confident.

Being a Parent

I guess the only thing that I can be really proud of now is my son. I don’t know why but it just seems so satisfied to see him grow, learning new stuffs, taking up new challenges.

But I am a failed mum.

I can’t seem to control my boy. I can’t take it when he’s being punished or being sounded by others. I am not sure what is best for him. To be frank, except for bringing him to this world and giving him proper living, I just take care of him during the weekend. Worst still, I don’t even bother to cook for him and sometimes he will just skip a meal or two over the weekend. Yes, I could provide him with living essential (mostly) but when it comes to behavior development, learning, EQ development, etc, I just don’t know where to start.

Am I teaching him the correct things? How can I guide him when I myself is loss?

Look

This had become more of a concern. When your skin start to look dull (which I finally understand what dull mean) or pale or when you found out from the car mirror that your cheeks are indeed sagging or when you notice those stubborn fine lines around your eyes being accentuated after make-up or maybe the additional freckles that came out of nowhere. These are the times that struck me like hell.

What had happened to me? Where is my young and radiant skin?

I used to be so proud of my post delivery body where I almost look like my old self 7 days after delivery. Nowadays I can get fat without much difficulty. Despite still controllable, I think I failed big time being my own fashion advisor. My wardrobe is mostly boring black working attire because i try to look formal for work. Every casual outing or dinner, I struggle to put up nicer clothes because it is all either too revealing, too body-fitting or too-short. I can't seems to find my own style. Kent would always want to influence my attire and ask for more t-shirt. I really hated t-shirt and what's more polo-T. I hated those but I have most of it because i-don't-know-why.

Oh and did I mention also about the limited amount of shoes and handbags I have. I almost survived with A multi-purpose handbag, 2 pairs of heels and one ugly but comfortable health shoe.

The only thing that doesn’t change much is my hairstyle and this doesn’t seems right too. Colour, Curl, Straighten, long, short - I had tried it all but i still love my natural hair best.

Friends

Social media is my biggest enemy because I am hooked at looking how good other people life is. I know, those are the only few second of happiness of the whole day/week but still..i wish i was there.

WHY? Because I am suffering from mid life crisis…duh.

Travelling, High-Tea-ing, Cafe hopping, Shopping, etc etc...I can be one of them. I took photos of my moments but those photos just suck. It doesn't look like what i saw on Instagram. Same place, same food but uglier photos!

Don't even dare to do selfies because i look so odd that i pity myself.

Then again, where are my friends? Why do i always felt so out-of-topic. Why am i the odd one? Why am I the last person people may think of? Why can't i be the first choice? Why am i always resemblance of someone else image? I am who I am so please stop comparing me to others!

END