Our little Angel Baby Yeon

Everything feels like a dream. A short sweet and bitter dream that happen way too fast.

On 28^th July (Friday), I took Emergency leave because Sean wasn’t feeling well. As usual, being at home means doing lots of other works rather than resting. In the evening, I noticed that BB has not been moving as much as he used to. We decided to go to the hospital to check up.

During the assessment, BB started to move again which I felt relieved. Doctor checked on my opening and confirmed I am not dilated. She suggested to induce since I am 37 weeks pregnant but also mention that is entirely up to me. Why rush when he is not ready? I signed the letter to return home and continue monitoring at home.

On 29^th July (Saturday), everything seems fine but I realized that I have a little mucus discharge (probably the mucus plug) but not feeling any contraction though and brush it off.

On 30^th July (Sunway) at 12pm, I was awaken by Kent’s snoring and it is when I felt the consistent period pain every 10mins apart. I waited till it became more consistent before departing to the hospital.

There is no other mother except me at the assessment department. The nurse failed to get fetal reading saying that the baby is asleep. I think it took about an hour to finally get the reading out, and that is after doctor intervene. I am dilated 4cm at the time. In within an hour, I am dilated to 7cm and is ready for delivery.

Once I reach the delivery room, I am all ready to push. The whole process was like in war zone. Everyone acted very fast. When they burst my amniotic sac, that is when their faces changed. I gave all I have to deliver our baby. Once BB is delivered, unlike the usual process, I don’t even see my baby. He was sent right out from the room. I am still in the delivery room to deliver the placenta and to get my stiches done.

Yes, those faces and quick actions does indicate something. BB had pooped in the womb and he has to be monitored closely.

BB will be transferred to NICU for monitoring and I was transferred to ward later without a chance to look at my baby. Nothing is being communicated to us on the arrangement.

There is visiting hour in NICU, we took some time to rest and eat, not knowing anything about our baby. When we visited NICU, a doctor came to explain to us on BB condition (finally). She was very cautious and ensure that we talk in secluded area. This is where I started to feel uneasy. She explained to us BB condition and prep us for the worst. But she also did inform us that BB seems to be doing well now.

I was discharged the next day and still feeling very positive that BB will pull through. I mean, this is not something uncommon and with current medical knowledge, we trust that the doctors and nurses will know what to do to treat him. Is not like the first time we heard about BB poop in the womb. The fatal rate is about 5-7% so yes, we should hope for the best.

The next few days was in and out of hospital visiting BB. We could not take any photos or videos in the NICU. We have to take turns to visit BB and we truly understand this is for the safety of all babies there. We manage to sneak in some photos though. Basically, there is nothing we can do when we visited BB in NICU. He is on 7 days antibiotics and we can’t hold him when we are there. Just to be there to emotionally support him. The only chance when I get to hold him is on his 5^th day of antibiotic. He’s just so coincidentally off medication and I can even try to breastfeed him. He’s so tiny and fragile while I am like a new mother who do not know what to do or how to even swaddle him. I felt so helpless for moment. I tried to let him latch but we did not make it happen that day.

On 4^th August, we were told that BB can be discharged when we visited him at NICU. We were thrilled and also caught with this happy surprise because we are so not ready for it. We didn’t even have his clothes with us that time and had his grandparents to deliver it to hospital. We went straight to confinement centre once discharge from hospital. For the first time, I carry BB in the car heading ‘home’. Feeling happy that we are now a family of four and still have that amazing feeling that we now have a BB. BB was handed over to the nurses there to be bath and taken care of. While I clean myself and settle my engorged problem. I can’t breastfeed him with engorge boobs or being so ‘dirty’ returning from hospital. We took a little rest that night, getting ready for even more challenging night feeding. That is what on my mind. We have more time to spend, take a rest first maybe.

On 5^th August, early in the morning. We were awakened by the nurses in the Confinement Centre informing that BB temperature had been very low at the night and rejected milk. Doctor advise to bring him back to hospital immediately. We rushed to the Emergency Department before BB is sent to NICU again.

The doctor at NICU sent us home again. We, the helpless parent again left with no information nor anything about our BB condition. We headed back, had a quick shower and lunch.

Before we even get to sit down, Kent receive call from hospital asking us to return to the hospital. Nothing is being communicated through the phone. The doctor insists to talk to us personally. We rushed back to hospital to receive the news that we hated most. This time the specialist spoke to us, prepping us really for the worst. Dr.Dayang explained that there might be second infection so they have to start with another antibiotic. They didn’t know exactly where the infection is but it seems like that is the situation they are facing now. And BB would need to be intubated because he has difficulty breathing. She allowed us to visit BB in the NICU. This is the ‘privilege’ that I hated most. We were then told that we can leave and they will call us if anything. This is where no news is good news.

We went back to clean up, eat and not long after we receive call from hospital again. No updates no information given again via phone calls and we are required to be there like asap. We rushed over to receive even more devastating update.

6th August, we stayed at the NICU waiting area the whole morning. Who know they might need something from me. I want to be there to know first-hand what is happening. I was left with engorged breast but that is nothing compared to the unknown situation of our BB in the NICU. Hours passed and we get startled every time someone open the NICU door. I just hope is not the doctor wanted to talk to us. I really have no idea how many hours passes but that night seems to be very short.

We were allowed to see BB in the NICU 2 times. It’s the most heart wrenching scene. Big machines hook on to the tiny body of our helpless BB. Every breath is a struggle to him that sent him to spasm and pain. We could see that he wanted it to stop, he wanted to cry out loud but he can’t because there is a big tube right in his mouth to the airway all the way to his lungs. Our heart could not be more painful to see him in this condition. At a point i seriously think that we should stop everything and stop making my BB suffer.

The next time when we see him, he is no longer here. Though still intubated, but he’s more at peace. No more struggling, no more pain. We are sorry that you have to suffer. We are sorry to have not spent enough time with you. We are sorry that we did not kiss you while you are here. We are sorry that you did not get enough of our love before your passing.

Even that you are gone, mama and baba will always remember that smirk you made in the Emergency Room. We will remember every little detail that you left with us.

Thank you for dropping by to let us learn and realize that

• We need to appreciate every moment as there is no promised second chance
• We are surrounded by people who truly care and love us
• We should not take people who loves us for granted and hurt them because they love us
• Belongings or material is nothing compared to loves
• Life is short and we should spend it meaningfully with the people we love
• You let me realized how lucky I am to have a husband and companion that is loving, strong and will be by my side no matter how bad the situation is. He is my emotional pillar and everything.
• You let me learn that Sean is a young gentleman that will take care of people around him.
• You let me see the perfect husband and father in my life partner.
• You teach me that is time to love myself more and to do more things for myself.
  

You will always be in our heart. Though I can’t promise you that I won’t shed any more tears whenever I think of you, I promised you that I will be strong. I will be strong because you are at a better place. I will be strong because I want to cherish every moment that I have in this life. I want to live to my fullest in every single minute. To spend time and create more memories with people I love. For this is the reason you dropped by to make us realized.

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Staying-In with In-law? Yey or Ney?

This is a topic that I had been contemplating for the longest time; whether to start or not to start.

I (we) am staying with my PIL since the first day of marriage. Whenever I told people about this little fact of my life, they will usually give me a surprised facial expression and proceed to ask me how do I find it?

Well, to answer this tough question is two-sided.

On the surface I may seems pretty ok with it. Telling people that I am ok with my lifestyle choice and look at the brighter side :-

1. Homecook dinner at home
2. Someone to help out the laundry, which means you get to dry your laundry on working days cos someone is home to bring it under the porch if it rains
3. Someone at home to collect your parcel
4. Someone to take care of your kid so that your kid does not need to be homeless and stay most of the time at day care
5. Fuss free with all the utilility bills, house defect or even cleanliness of the house as all is taken care by PIL
6. Showing good example to my son that we should be filial and take care of parents

I am sure those little points above do sounds pretty tempting to some of you. To be frank, these are the little things that I used to convince myself to be contented.

I am not a person who would look for an easy way out. Which means all these reasons didn’t even cross my mind when my husband told me that we are staying in with his parents. If you notice, I am saying that I am being inform/told and not a choice. Being the naïve me, I did not question or reject at the moment. Not knowing what stress is waiting for me.

It has been closed to 9 years now but I still don’t feel the feeling of home other than my room itself. I seriously tried but this is just not the way.

As I grow older and wiser, I realized that I neglected my own needs and wants way too long. I choose to be ignorant and go by the flow. Not asking myself enough of what I really want. As time goes, this little uncomfortableness that has been accumulating inside me starting to be too overwhelming. I bet the hormone plays a major part in it too.

Owning my own HOUSE and HOME is my DREAM since I was CHILD and I allow this to be taken away from me without being asked? NO SHYT

I want my own space that belong to me. I want to be the one who decide how things should be in the house, how things should be placed, what kind of design or theme and most importantly made me feels home. That I can just lie down on the couch without having to care much on my posture. That I can decide when I want to fold that pile of laundry even if it sits there for a week without feeling guilty. That I can invite friends and family over for gathering anytime I want.

When I say something and follow by tears it usually means that I am pouring out deep from my heart. A very natural uncontrollable body response that I think it prove that I am being true to myself for once.

Frankly, the past 9 years staying together with my PIL is seriously okay. All those points I listed above are valid (well, except point no.6). Is just that I felt that I should be true to myself and to chase my dream of owning my own space.

Looking back, perhaps these are some of the things that I seriously do not enjoy :-

1. I (we) had missed the honeymoon stage. The 2 person living in a cosy little house.
2. I do not have the chance to do things freely as I wish. Basically, I have to ask permission or get consent for whatever shyt I want to do in the house. Though at times I do not bother to ask and I bet they do felt unhappy with whatever changes I made to the house.
3. BIL & SIL & nephew & nieces come and go as they like. Well, it is in fact their right cos it is their parent’s house, so is kinds their house too. I was startled few times as someone turned up in the house although PIL is not around. Imagine the awkward situation when you are in your PJ and when you turn around and thought it was your husband but then it was just your BIL. Like WTF???
4. I can’t complaint when the place I cleaned is being messed up cos STFU, who ask you to do that?
5. When you stay in, naturally you will be labelled with some form of undefined unwritten expectation that only hell knows. If you are not doing that, you will be the subject during aunties talk
6. I hate being told what to do
7. I definitely do not like being asked to do something extra compared to other DIL of theirs. Every gathering will be automatically at PIL place. Whoever Birthday celebration or family gathering. Then you will be the one preparing the place, cleaning the place afterwards and cooking (sometimes)

 

Exactly what trigger me to review my own wants and feeling? Well, I guess I need to thanks to the COVID-19 mainly. MIL caught covid after returning from Europe trip. They suggested that we move out for few days for our safety which we agreed, only to realized they are not doing the proper quarantine and basically contaminating the whole house. I throw my husband out to tell them they should stay in the room instead, but still nothing changes. I don’t blame them as we are the one staying in. This is their home and they can do whatever they want. Personally, I think this is wrong and is an act of selfishness as it put us at risk. Fyi, I am pregnant at 6 mths. 1 year ago, i had a miscarriage after tested positive after PIL decided to call for CNY gathering at home. This is why I am super sensitive and vigilant.

I had just throw out my thought to my husband followed by tonnes of tears. Crying to sleep, waking up crying, crying while driving to work and consciously holding back my tears and emotion in the office.

Wish me luck in chasing my dream (which i hope my other half would share my dream too). For those out there who have the chance to decide whether to stay in or move out, there is no right or wrong. Just be true to yourself.

 

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